Happy New Year to you reading this!
I know it’s a late one from me but wishing you a Happy New year regardless. How are you feeling? Are you Happy this new year?
I know last year was tough, believe me, we all went through it one way or another but Thank God we made it to another year because each new year brings about new opportunities and a renewed sense of hope.
A couple of weeks ago, I co-hosted a Clubhouse conversation on ‘When the Healing hurts’ and where I shared my journey to wholeness and the healing process. So I also thought, it’s only right that I also share this content with my readers.
As one of my favourite Female pastors – Sarah Jakes Robert’s would say ‘Whew child (pronounced Chile)’ we are about to go deep.
Broken but not shattered is a chapter from my 2nd book His Masterpiece: Understanding Your True Worth As a Woman. The chapter is all about how broken I felt at the end of 2019.
The good thing about when something is broken though, is that it can be repaired whereas when something is shattered the chances of putting it back together again are very slim. You my friend, although you might be broken you are not shattered.
Let me take you on my journey, I met someone whom I almost ‘fell in love with.’ He was charming, funny and he made me feel good about myself. However, the Holy Spirit warned me from the beginning not to take things further with this guy but I was stubborn and I entertained him longer than I should have.
This was because my heart was already broken. There had been other guys I had shown interest in that year who were either unavailable or hadn’t reciprocated my feelings but I buried the pain like I always do. So when this new guy appeared on the scene, I admit I may have been vulnerable.
Some people have asked about the imagery on my second book cover. It’s of a beautiful black woman with golden cracks in her skin. This is to illustrate kinsugi which is the Japanese art of mending broken pottery, instead of throwing it away the Japanese potters conceal the cracks with gold. The woman on my cover doesn’t just represent myself but every woman who has ever felt broken and the golden cracks in her skin are where God has put her back together (He is the potter and we are the clay – Isaiah 64:8).
This leads me to the healing process- the healing process is bumpy, I think that’s why not everyone embraces it as it requires intentionality and responsibility. We’d rather hide behind our addictions and make excuses for our self-destructive patterns than heal, because well let’s face it.. healing is painful.
At the end of 2019 I had a decision to make. I could either enter into an ungodly situation out of the desperate need I had to be in a relationship and get married soon. Or I could walk away and face the reality of not having received from God what I desired or expected.
I chose the latter and boy did it hurt.
During lockdown, I kept thinking about this person and I tried to reach out to him. I would see him with other females on social media and I would be soooooo triggered . I knew they were his friends but I just wanted him to value me the way he valued them. I was crying out for respect when the reality was I needed to respect myself and leave that boy alone.
There were days when I would call my girlfriends in tears and one of them told me ‘Ebony, it’s the healing process.’
At first I didn’t understand what she meant because I didn’t realise that this what healing actually felt like.
I was so disappointed with myself because I knew talking to him was unhealthy for me but I kept going back to him. However, letting go completely, meant that I had to deal with myself and the reality of my brokeness and believe me it wasn’t cute.
I still had daddy issues and I did not truly love or value myself otherwise I wouldn’t have been willing to settle for a man that was not displaying the characteristics of my Heavenly Father.
I was so tired of going round and round in the same cycle. The great thing though was that I never stopped seeking accountability and reaching out for help.
I thank God for all the encouragers He sent. I asked a lady from a fellowship I’m part of to pray for my healing and she spoke so prophetically into my life. She said:
‘You are using your own strength hence why your heart is broken. Listen to Him (GOD)! It may hurt now but it’s for the best.’
When I was still enough to hear what He was saying, God told me that the problem wasn’t what I thought it was and that the problem was that I was trying to be in control of everything.
In my mind I pictured myself as a little girl going to her father with a broken toy. I would stand before my dad weeping and say:
‘I keep trying to fix it but every time I try it just gets worse.’
My father would reply:
‘Hand it over, let me fix it, it was never your responsibility to fix in the first place.’
God was right (as usual) I was trying to control everything. I wanted to fix myself, I wanted to fix the guy. I wanted to heal myself. I wanted to heal the guy. I really had a saviour-complex.
I also realised I had some deep trust issues with God, because why didn’t I trust that He was able fix it for me?
If I’m honest, I’ve felt let down by most male figures in my life. So trusting God isn’t always easy for me.
It meant letting go.. something I did not want to do.. I was afraid that if I let go.. I would never find someone who admired me the way that guy had. But holding on was doing more damage than letting go. Sure, at first maintaining communication with this guy almost made me feel like there was something still worth fighting for, but it became confusing, stressful and just plain toxic.
It’s only now in hindsight that I can truly see how it was really a process of healing. Although I wouldn’t say I’m 100% whole I’m definitely a lot more whole within myself than I was when I initially walked away from that situation.
The pull to go back to an emotionally unhealthy (and possibly abusive) relationship has loosened its grip. During my back and forth arguments with this individual I realised that whatever that was. I did not want it. I truly wanted better for myself.
So what have I learnt:
I am who I am – my worth didn’t decrease or diminish when I was no longer in communication with this guy- everything he admired about me is still who I am.
To be alone – I learnt how to really be alone – with myself, my thoughts, my opinions. To accept my present reality and not to fantasise for something better.
To continually work on improving myself.
Give myself grace – remembering some miracles take time.
I say this all to say that no matter how broken you may feel, you can be made whole. You may be broken but you are not shattered.
You have to be patient with yourself, remember God is patient with you. Believe that you will get there and give yourself time to heal.
I hope this message encouraged you to be open about your struggles in order to heal and if it did, this coming weekend we’ll be delving more into the journey from broken to healed and whole and my official online book launch – tickets are free, you can register below.
I hope you can make it!