During the early hours of this morning, I began to converse with my maker and I shared what was on my heart.
There was a time in my life where I didn’t want anything to do with God because I believed that God didn’t really care about me.
I would literally be sinning and when I would think about God I would be like ‘Go on God do what you want to do, kill me and send me to hell, just get it over with.’
I felt that the life I was living was an utter disappointment to him. I would just imagine him in his power and might waiting for the right moment to shoot me with lightning or kill me in my sleep. I had made God to be some kind of cruel dictator, monster and murderer based on my negative life experiences. The idea of God being gracious, kind, compassionate and gracious were completely out of sight and out of my mind. It was no longer us against the world, it was me against God and we all know who was going to be the victim. (Me) I was playing the victim. The thing is though I’m realising that I was wrong about him, because the more I get to know him the more I can accept his mercy.
God didn’t kill me, He didn’t send lightening to strike me down. He didn’t force me back into a relationship with him. He didn’t expose me publicly. He didn’t humiliate me. Instead He patiently waited for me to return to him and acted like I had done nothing wrong. He didn’t condemn me, not once did he bring up my past sins. It’s actually only when I started to develop a relationship with him again did he start to speak to me about a specific issue I was dealing with.
He sent people into my life to love me, to guide me, to pray with and for me.
God did all this for me not because I was perfect but because He is the rock of ages, the one who NEVER changes, even when we do.
When I think about what the word everlasting actually means, it amazes me. It means always. That word has no time frame. It just is, forever and always. Gods love is forever and always. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and always. He doesn’t change just because our perception of him does. He doesn’t want any of us to perish.
It’s strange that I thought that the same Christ who bled and died for me on the cross, knowing full well who I was at that point in my life could love me less because of my present situation.
But pain makes excuses. I’ve come to know that God is the kind of Father that will walk with you in the rain and when the suns out. In the winter and in the spring. In the storm and in the calm. In the valley and the Garden. Through the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows. In the desert and in the promise land. In the dark till He brings you back into the light. That’s the God that I both admire and adore, He is the GREAT I AM, He is EL ROI, He is Jehovah, He is El Shaddi, He is Elohim, He is Adonai, He is Jesus x